The little things….
He might kinda hate me for this, but y’know, I kinda don’t care.
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” When I woke up..I literally thought you were there with me, and I just…I dunno. I think I knew we’d be fine, whatever else happened.”
-the boyfriend, after describing a surprisingly detailed and vaguely sad dream he had about us.
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Because most people that are reading this already know about the trouble I had in reference to the post I made previous to this one I don’t think it’s necessary I reiterate. Not that I would anyways because the entire fiasco has taken quite a bit of energy out of me and I’m just tired of talking about it right now.
To make a long story short, Cary and I had some trouble in relation to a poorly timed, poorly executed joke on my part. Thankfully the entire issue has been resolved, but not without quite a bit to think about on both sides, I think. Given the way it spiraled out of control and led from one thing to another I was worried my biggest fear/insecurity may have come to fruition; being that moving from Ohio to Texas and living with his family left me completely vulnerable if things didn’t work out. So it had me a little shaken, terrified that some small, unconscious act may have gotten me stranded. Fortunately that wasn’t the scenario and he and I were finally able to find time to speak to one another about it and some other issues it had brought to the surface.
Which is why I found it particularly calming when he shared with me the details of a dream he’d had the night before (which was the night after he sent me the e-mail about being upset that in turn upset me, but before we’d really gotten a chance to talk about it).
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“And I remember kissing your cheek, and whispering I love you, and asking you why every time we’re in an airport you seem to cry.”
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The crying part is in reference to the last time I saw him was when he had to see me off at the airport in Houston when I was flying back home to Ohio after New Years. Because I cried that day in the airport while he and I were waiting, after a particularly nasty fight I’d had with my mother on the phone, and I cried when he and I had to say goodbye. The fact that he’d dreamt it, let alone retained it, touched me. But that wasn’t even the best part. Even in the turmoil of his conscious mind being very much upset with me, his subconscious mind wasn’t quite so upset. A lot of people will think that’s silly, but it’s significant to me. And because of that he was able to reassure me with “I knew we’d be fine, whatever else happened”. I’m not usually sappy, but it kinda hit home, it was what I needed to hear to calm my nerves about this entire situation.
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I know I have friends I’ve gone to about this and they care about me and want to help. I’m also very aware that my emotions are capable of taking hold and I can make myself out to be a victim when I’m not. Let’s call that Damsel in Distress Syndrome. I’m not alone, most everyone, when it comes to presenting sides of an argument or situation to an outside party are capable of exhibiting symptoms of DiDS. These symptoms are easiest to recognize in high school girls. DiDS can be found in males too.
Of course it’s more prevalent in womenfolk because we go to our friends (male and female) about damn near everything. We’re talking machines. But here’s the thing: Nine times out of ten, when we go to our friends about this kind of stuff we really just want a place to rant about how horrible soandso is, for the time being, until the issue is resolved. We just want someone to make us feel like we’re not alone on our side of the fence. Very rarely do we actually want advise. Silly and frivolous, I know.
I don’t think friends realize it or mean to do it sometimes, but occasionally they can go a little too far in their attempts to be supportive and actually end up villainizing whoever it is we’re in the disagreement with in the most unflattering way. I know it’s been done with some of my oldest friends in relation to how horrible and cruel my mother can be, even with friends pitted against friends, and with a friend having preconceived notions about my boyfriend and trying to drive a wedge between me and them. Ultimately, I think the friends are trying to do right by us in giving us someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a means of confessing. I don’t, however, think it’s entirely fair to break out pitchforks and torches against the opponent, especially when said opponent has no way to defend themselves. And if we try to defend them then we look like we’re contradicting ourselves or being defensive of a bad situation.
But I feel like we’re getting away from the point and perhaps a little too confusing, so I’ll be a bit more direct.
I love my boyfriend. He is the most considerate, understanding, supportive, trustworthy, sometimes silly, and sweetest man I’ve ever been with. Of course he has his faults, but I have mine too. The bottom line is that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I talk about him all the time, to anyone who will put up with it for more than five minutes. We have our fights but they remind us of the importance of little moments and they test the strength of our bonds. So yes, I get mad at him sometimes.
However, despite our troubles as a couple they’re ours to deal with. Friends can be supportive in a time of need, but please, do not bash the boyfriend. I’m protective of my friends and family, and my boyfriend. Even more so when he can’t defend himself against people that don’t really know him all that well. Yes, he’s capable of being a dick, but what guy isn’t? And what female isn’t capable of being a bitch? I love my friends, I really do, and I appreciate any and all support they give me, but there is a line.
So please don’t say he’s inconsiderate of my feelings, because he’s constantly asking how I feel about things. Please don’t tell me I deserve better, because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Please don’t lecture me on how to improve our relationship, because what may work for you may not work for us. People and couples are all different, and frankly I like our relationship the way it is. Please don’t insinuate we’re in an abusive relationship (emotionally or otherwise), we’re not and I’m not even going to acknowledge the thought any longer, because that would give it relevance.
Listen guys, I adore you all in everything that you do in being my friends, but I’m enough of a pessimist on my own without people around me trying to kill what tiny bit of optimism I have. So please, withhold the advice and boyfriend-bashing unless I ask for it.
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I think I covered everything I wanted to for now.
- C J
