Panda Bears, Boot Straps, and Midterms
“I was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
I’m so heavy, heavy in your arms.”
-“Heavy In Your Arms” by Florence + the Machine
Okay, so a week ago today I saw my boyfriend off on his flight back to Japan. He wasn’t scheduled to be home for the time that he was, it was a very spur of the moment kind of thing. And here’s why: shortly after I moved down here to live with his family I was told about how his grandmother’s health kept getting worse and she wasn’t expected to make it to the end of the year. Around the first or second week of October she was hospitalized, and a week later she passed away. Once we got the news his ‘mom’, who is a therapist working out of the hospital his grandmother was placed in, sent the information to The Red Cross who are responsible for informing deployed soldiers of any deaths in the family. Apparently his command thought the situation warranted emergency leave, so they offered him ten days and of course he took it. Within two days of getting the news he was on a plane on his way home. This visit was actually longer than the last time I saw him almost a year ago. It was a hectic week that was crap for any schoolwork I had to get done, nevermind it was smack dab between the week before Halloween and the week of. I dragged him to a couple of my classes, because it was an all day at school kind of thing and uh….I hadn’t seen him in ten months and we only had a week together. Needless to say, I didn’t want to squander any time.
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There were several bullet points of his time here, too many to list. A lot of them are just little things I mentally took note of in passing. He drove me to work a couple of the days, he got to take the Corvette for a drive (and got a ticket, hah), one afternoon we had lunch at Panda Express and he impulsively bought a little stuffed panda bear, which he left with me. One evening we even had a little spat that did little more than determine the extent of our stubbornness. And another evening I came home to the pleasant surprise of him in his Navy camos, after which he gave me a little piece of the uniform in the form of his boot straps that he’s supposed to wear on his calves to keep the cuffs of his pants in place. My wrists are small enough that the straps fit around them, so I wear them as bracelets now. Which tallies my collection of his Navy paraphernalia at three, because I also have his Navy boot camp hoodie and his dog tags. The night before he left I realized something. I haven’t really given him anything of mine for him to remember me by. So, after thinking a little about it and trying to find something that was personal and intimate, and meant something significant to me I finally offered him a small illustration I did of two penguins cuddling under a setting sun. When I was creating it I was trying to convey love and tenderness, which of course brought him to mind. When I saw it sitting on my bookshelf I just knew it was what I wanted to give him. He has it now, I hope he actually likes it though.
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Sadly, he had to go back overseas last Thursday at bloody 7:45am, no less. So we got up at 4am, and I (along with his mother and one of his little brothers) took him to the airport. The drive was an hour long, we fell asleep on each other like last time when he was taking me to the airport, and I woke up to being practically flung across the car by his mother swinging the vehicle around and screaming like a madwoman about finding parking. I was sad, of course, but the sinking sensation didn’t really hit me until about ten minutes before we had to see him to the security checkpoint. Even knowing he was going to be back in a month and a half didn’t really help keep me calm. I did manage to keep from crying….mostly. At 6:30am we said our goodbyes and I-love-yous, and Christ, I didn’t want to let him go. That sinking feeling in my chest hit me ten times harder than before, but I managed to hold it in for a little while longer, as we finally let go of each other and went our separate ways. He couldn’t see it, but I did cry a little, and I thought it was going to be just that little bit until I saw his mom come up to me and give me a hug, and for about five minutes I couldn’t stop crying. God, it hurt so much, it still hurts. Having to see him go, for whatever length of time, it just sucks. What sucks worse is that I’m going to have to do it all over again after Christmas. Not just with him, but with my mom too.
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Things aren’t the same since he left, communication-wise. I can’t tell if he’s really sad like me, or if he’s busy with work stuff, but he isn’t himself. We barely talk to each other. It worries me, but it doesn’t make the sad,icky feeling I have any better either. Transitioning from actual time spent together back to e-mails and IMs seems even harder this time around. I miss having him in bed beside me, or his voice being the first thing I hear in the morning. So I’m sad, and I miss him, and I’m worried about the sudden, abrupt emotional distance I feel like I’m getting from him. Of course, the emotional crap has done absolutely no good for lending me any sort of focus this week, which would just so happen to be midterm week. Not my strongest grades, I’m sure. On top of that, there’s some tension in the household, and I’ve got this weird feeling that I’m in this little cardboard box that things just keep getting tossed into and eventually it’s either going to collapse in on itself or split at the corners and things are going to fall out all over the place. Things are so much different when he’s home. I seem to forget about responsibilities and stress and everything that troubles me. It’s both good and bad, because while I think I might need it from time to time I also don’t think much of anything will get done if I’m in a constant state of no-stress and responsibility-ignoring bliss. Thankfully when he’s home for Christmas I’ll be on break so the only thing I have to worry about at that time will be work.
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So, in short, I’m sad =(
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P.S. The good news, however, is that my Halloween was pretty awesome and I’ve got pics, maybe I’ll post them or a link to them later.
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- C J
