Blue.
How can you make me feel so happy,
And still make me feel so blue?
Don’t you understand, darlin’
I’d be nothing without you
.
These are the words dancing through my head. My own. They have their reason and meaning, neither of which I care to elaborate on right now, so I’ll be vague.
.
I am simply feeling alone, and like the worst person ever. It’s that funny kind of alone you feel despite being in a room full of people. Then someone says something that alienates you, pushes you farther away, and suddenly you feel even…lonelier. Unwanted.
.
You give all that you are to someone, you allow yourself to feel emotions previously kept on a tight, short leash. It hurts when they don’t understand it’s killing you to be so vulnerable. Giving what you can, and what you’re comfortable with isn’t enough. It’s never enough.
It’s always take, take, take….more, more, more.
And if you can’t give it all? Well….then it’s your fault….they don’t want you anymore.
.
I don’t like this feeling, or the bitter tears it brings. I don’t like hating myself, resenting them. This isn’t what I came here for. I could have been just as miserable back home. I wish I had an ally, just one someone on my side to reassure me I didn’t make a mistake, that this will pass, and that I’m not quite as alone as I thought.
I find I miss home, if only for it’s simplicity.
It might be raining tonight, but tomorrow could be a little less cloudy. I daresay even sunny.
.
Here’s hoping I don’t drown.
- C J
